There is hope!!!
In a discussion on abuse, people tend to focus only on domestic violence. However, abuse is clear when the victim is dominated or controlled by their partner. Figures show that abuse is higher in lower-income and impoverished sectors of society. But abuse occurs equally in higher-income groups and among the rich and famous. Abuse is no respecter of race, gender, religion or financial status.
The abuser’s main focus is to manipulate and control their victim with fear, guilt, shame and intimidation. Victims are worn down physically, emotionally and mentally, until the abuser controls them. They fall into such a state of panic that they start believing the abuser’s lies.
There are different categories of domestic violence. Some victims experience one or two forms of abuse, while others suffer all the forms of abuse that we discuss in the next chapter.
There are many signs to look out for in an abusive relationship. By observing your friend or family member – and yourself – you will be able to see the signs of abuse. Other than the obvious bodily harm and bruises that are hidden under layers of clothing or make-up, there are emotional and mental signs that someone is being abused.
If you are in a relationship where you are being controlled or are afraid to do or say something due to your partner’s outbursts of anger or violence towards you or your children, you also fall into the category, and it may be the beginning of the process.
Checklist for an abusive relationship
Ask yourself the following questions:
- Are you afraid of your partner or their behaviour most of the time, avoiding certain topics of discussion or events out of fear that they will get angry?
- Are you wondering if you are crazy or if the situation is real, but feeling emotionally numb to the fact that you know what is coming? Do you feel helpless or ashamed to talk to your friends or family about what is happening behind closed doors?
- Does your partner talk down to you or humiliate and yell at you for the smallest of things? Are you being criticised and embarrassed in front of family and friends by their belittling comments or remarks about you or something you do?
- Does your partner blame you for their bad behaviour or mood, and treat you like their property and a sex object rather than a loved one?
- Does your partner have a bad, unpredictable temper and hurt you or threaten to hurt or kill you when he is angry or when you are arguing?
- Does he threaten to hurt your children, family or friends, or make sure they are taken away from you if you go against his rules or will? Does your partner isolate you from your friends and family?
- Is your partner forcing you to have sex and being jealous or possessive of you and limiting your access to money, the internet, a phone, or a car, and constantly checking up on you when you are apart?
- Is your partner keeping you from your friends and family to the extent that you do not have as much contact with them as you used to or do you feel ashamed to keep contact due to the lies the abuser is spreading or the belittling you suffer?
- Have you changed the way you take care of your body and health due to not feeling worthy or because you are not allowed to wear the same clothing or make-up anymore?
If you answered yes to these questions, it is time to realise that you are either at the beginning of an abusive relationship, waiting for it to escalate, or you are already trapped in one. Think about getting out before it gets worse. Abusive partners have a way of being absolutely wonderful at the beginning of the relationship. They are so loving and kind, and treat you like a queen. They are just too good to be true. This is all part of the plan for the victim to submit to their control. He may treat you like a queen for months before slowly starting to show his true personality. They will always rush the relationship, so that you start living together too soon or even get married after only a few months.
The key is to notice the signs, and get out right at the beginning, before harm comes to you or your children. If you are already in an abusive relationship, do not give up. Follow the guidelines below to get out. There are helplines and support center’s, like https://www.gov.za/faq/justice-and-crime-prevention/where-can-i-find-organisation-offers-assistance-victims-violence, where trained people are able to guide you on your journey while you start planning your next move. Every country has support center’s, but sadly there are just not enough to help the high number of victims. Never allow anybody to break you down because they cannot appreciate the wonder of your personhood. If you are being abused by a partner, get away from them as quickly as possible. Yes, it will be difficult and very scary. All survivors will tell you it is not an easy journey, but it is worth it. You are worth your freedom, happiness and fearlessness.
