From the book Enough.
There is a clear pattern of abuse that becomes apparent when you talk to the victims of abuse.
4.1 Identifying the pattern
It usually starts with an outburst of anger, escalating to a sudden incident of abuse, followed by feelings of guilt, apologies, and blame. This will be followed by a period of normal behaviour, referred to as the “resting period”. Then the abuser will start to fantasise about the abuse, and set up his victim, while he plans his next attack. The abuser gathers reasons why the victim is “begging for it”, or deliberately “disobeying” him to use as excuses to fuel the next attack.
The acts of violence and harm against the victim in this cycle will continue to escalate. Every resting period will become shorter, and each attack will become worse than the previous. Unfortunately, this will continue until the victim breaks away, is eventually murdered by the abuser, or dies due to complications of the abuse.
Victims confirmed that they easily established their abuser’s pattern of abuse, and feared the next outburst. Some said there would be a period of mental torture just before the next attack. The abuser would start acting violently without actually abusing them for days or weeks before the attack. During this time of waiting for the attack to come, the victims sometimes prayed that it would just happen, so that the abuser could go into the resting period. This gave them time to heal and breathe for a little while before the next build-up began.
The waiting period tormented the victims to a point that they would self-sabotage just to be get through the attack to the resting period. In severe cases, the victim stayed with the abuser because of threats that they would lose their children, or that their children would be killed if they tried to leave the abusive relationship or marriage.
Can you imagine a life where you actually pray that your partner will hit you, just so that you might find comfort in the fact that there is a period of time after the attack that allows you to breathe? The intense feelings of helplessness and fear that hold you hostage every day of your life, not knowing what to do to find help. This completely overwhelming emotional torture between the attacks is the worst.
